The Most Amazing Internet Dating Profile – February 2012

by everydayheartbreak

So every six months or so an email pops into my inbox from Guardian Soulmates, a site I joined many moons ago and only visit when these rare emails appear. So last Sunday an email appeared and I went through the rig morale of trying to remember my password (which wasn’t the same as my two standard passwords which I use for everything) so I had to reset it, blah de blah.

Anyway when I got there the girl who added me was very nice but not the future Mrs England so I moved on and spent the duration of Birdsong (which was rubbish) searching through the site for hotties, of which there were many. What struck me however was the inanity of the descriptions these girls give of themselves – in trying to sound different and alternative all were almost identical. Each screamed LOOK AT ME ARNT I KOOKY!

A profile might read:

Hi I’m Daisy

So my friend Lottie joined this site and she met some nice/ cute guys and I wasn’t doing much so I thought “why not”?

A bit about me:

I work for a charity / book shop / arts organization (delete as applicable)

Things I like: tea (in vintage china please) / the feeling of sand in my toes / old records / shiny & sparkly things / vintage sun glasses / travel, I went to (INSERT SLIGHTLY LEFT FIELD EUROPEAN CITY) last year which was AMAZING! I want to go to (INSERT ACHINGLY HIP EUROPEAN CITY HERE) this year!

I want to meet someone who is kind / handsome / as big a Belle & Sebastian fan as I am!

Etc.

In short they are all pretty much of a much ness and mind numbingly dull. Then I came across this profile which just knocked them all out of the water. I won’t give you her name on the site but I swear that I have not made any of this up. Yep not even the bit about Hezbollah. Can you actually imagine spending time with this person!?

So here you go…

What question should you never ask a landmine victim about his fateful incident? “Did you like it?!”. I once did just that. I promise that it was the result of a very untimely mishearing, but that didn’t make it much less awkward.

When I’m not busy making incredibly maladroit comments, I’m generally busy being quite a nice girl; I’m adventurous, intelligent, independent, funny and passionate. I indulge in all the usual Guardian-reader activities as well as lots of other interesting (and boring) stuff too. I really do try to keep indecent remarks to amputees to a minimum.

Some interesting things I did in 2011: Traveled to Lebanon alone, and on a whim. Hung out on the Lebanon-Israel border with a Hezbollah student group, flanked by UN peacekeepers. Couchsurfed in a cave with Bedouins in Jordan. Hiked & camped in Alberta and B.C. Volunteered at Crisis over Christmas (do I gain points for doing a nice thing, or lose points for mentioning it?)

Some things I enjoy, in no particular order….

Psychology (I work in psych research, studying babies and children).

Exploring. Adventures. Life’s simple pleasures. People-watching. Stripey tops.

Tate Modern (loved Rodchenko, loved Gerhard Richter).

Travel (Lebanon, Canada and Jordan in 2011. Japan and Iceland in 2012?).

Photography. Borough Market. Witty repartee. Tea. Puns. Good grammar.

Nature. Mountains. The sea (I grew up by the sea and love the sense of being at the edge of something).

The Southbank. The Barbican.Eddie Izzard. Flight of the Conchords. French (currently learning).

Music (…In recent minutes/hours it’s been: The National, Bon Iver, Band of Horses).

Reading (Most recently: Milan Kundera, Robert Fisk, Ian McEwan).

Going to public lectures at the LSE. Stuff about the Middle East or psychology is usually what tickles me.

Hmm…may come back to this later.

What! Who says “witty repartee”? Has anyone actually read The Unbearable Lightness Of Being and not found it unbearable? Does anyone actually go to public lectures at the LSE? Does anyone really like Band Of Horses?

No.

In short:

I AM REALLY FUCKING EARNEST AND I CARE ABOUT THE BIG ISSUES BUT I AM ALSO KOOKY AND HIP LIKE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS ON HERE! PLEASE LIKE ME, PLEASE SEND ME AN EMAIL, I NEED VALIDATION! HELP.