The Most Amazing Internet Dating Profile #2 – November 2012

by everydayheartbreak

If you choose to set out along the path of internet dating, you must be a careful for it is a journey beset with difficulties (and dreadful writing). The best way to negotiate yourself to a date with someone genuinely interesting is to set some ground rules early on. Rule A: simple, ignore any profile with lists of random things that that person likes doing. Rule B, click next if anyone starts their profile with, “I’m new to this”, “I’m not sure what to write here” or has a strap line that reads “We’ll tell people we met in a bar” (or similar). Rule C: if all their photos show them in some far flung, impoverished, cum-stain of a country which is now considered hip doing something mildly dangerous, think sky diving, just move on. What does that picture tell you? It tells you that you’ve seen and heard about it all before.

Today I came across a profile so middle of the road, so ridden with clichés that I thought I’d bring it to a wider audience. You can read the whole profile below but first, some select highlights.

Firstly, my favourite part. Barring the opening paragraph which is incredibly special, is the sentence that starts “Music is a big passion…”now obviously anyone who starts a sentence like that isn’t going to write about anything worth listening to and she doesn’t disappoint! She goes on to list the most dull, ear drainingly awful music of the last 12 months (Alt J, Of Monsters & Men, The XX) – it’s as if she has culled her music taste straight from Grazia magazine who not only told her what to listen to but told her what to wear / eat / drink / think. It’s music that should be grouped together in its own sub-genre called “Safe Alternative” or “God-fistingly Shite”. She’s the kind of girl who would dislike Mumford & Sons because they are too mainstream.

Clichés abound throughout the profile (works for a good cause, her friends are incredibly special, she loves London) but it is with her obligatory list of things she “likes” that she really shines (by this point in reading the profile you think “Yey! just what I want to read, another fucking list of shit stuff that I’ll hate”). It is the Guardian Soulmates by numbers list, so inane that I feel a strong need to annotate it (almost all brackets are mine):

Some more ‘likes’….Festivals (boring) / Sunshine (who the fuck doesn’t) / Cycling (vintage or fixie I reckon) / Catlin Moran (Caitlin Moronic is actually how you spell her name) / Exhibitions (of what?! You can’t possibly like all exhibitions? Does she mean exhibition trials in the former USSR here?) / Richard Dawkins (A man who makes me want to believe in God) / Blankets (not even worth a bracket it’s so dull) / Sunday papers (including reading about the latest atrocities from Syria/Gaza etc.) / Long walks (doesn’t specify where to or from) / Tea (coffee?) / Roast dinners (snore) / Bread (all breads? She really needs to be more specific) / Gigs (probably not God Speed You Black Emperor though) / Campfires (hippee shit #1) / Yoga (hippee shit #2) / Feminism (the equality kind…not the burning bra’s type – THAT’S ACTUALLY HER BRACKETS) / Baking (fucking snore) / Brunch (oh please stop!) / Old Pubs & Scrabble (FUCKING KILL ME NOW).

I’ll leave you to enjoy the rest of the profile because my highlights can never quite capture the magic of the profile in its entirety:

The Strap Line: A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water

This year I promised myself I would take one photo every day….it makes me stop, think and appreciate the small things I do each day. It’s made me realise what great friends I have, how great London is, how much I sometimes need to leave London, how much I love food, and has photographically captured my credit card bill!

I love long conversations that make me think….How should we best run the country…..Is the chocolate digestive the best biscuit ever made (I’m undecided but partial to a hobnob!)? I love running and have recently run the London Marathon. I love cooking, and will never fall into a sweet or savoury camp. I’m confused by vegetarians. I cycle all over London and love getting to know my way around and discovering parts of the city you never usually stumble across. I have also been known to be easily persuaded to cycle pretty far across the South East…one really gets to know themselves after 100 miles on a bike!

I work at Great Ormond Street in mental health, I feel really lucky to love my job. I guess a big part of my job is being nice…..in life I think niceness is underestimated. I like to be optimistic, and think an ‘at least’ can be found in all circumstances.

Music is a big passion….the Black keys, Alt-J, Bombay Bicycle Club, Of Monsters and Men, The XX, the Maccabees…etc…and I have a big soft spot for Fleetwood mac. Sadly if you mention a film title to me I am pretty guaranteed to have never seen it….it’s something I need to work on!

Some more ‘likes’….Festivals / Sunshine / Cycling / Catlin Moran / Exhibitions / Richard Dawkins / Blankets / Sunday papers / Long walks / Tea / Roast dinners / Bread / Gigs / Campfires / Yoga / Feminism (the equality kind…not the burning bra’s type) / Baking / Brunch / Old Pubs & Scrabble.