everyday heartbreak

A cynic is but a frustrated romantic

Month: November, 2012

The Most Amazing Internet Dating Profile #2 – November 2012

If you choose to set out along the path of internet dating, you must be a careful for it is a journey beset with difficulties (and dreadful writing). The best way to negotiate yourself to a date with someone genuinely interesting is to set some ground rules early on. Rule A: simple, ignore any profile with lists of random things that that person likes doing. Rule B, click next if anyone starts their profile with, “I’m new to this”, “I’m not sure what to write here” or has a strap line that reads “We’ll tell people we met in a bar” (or similar). Rule C: if all their photos show them in some far flung, impoverished, cum-stain of a country which is now considered hip doing something mildly dangerous, think sky diving, just move on. What does that picture tell you? It tells you that you’ve seen and heard about it all before.

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The Mod Father – A Lesson In “Keeping It Real” – November 2012

Now firstly I must declare an interest, what follows is far from un-biased, you should know staright off that I hate Paul Weller; I think he’s a fucking bell end. I hate the music, from The Jam, to the Style Council, to Stanley Road, Broken Stones and his latest incarnation as some Syd Barrettesque psychmanofthepeople with his cod State of the Nation addresses; I hate the style, the myth and the legacy.

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Everyday Heartbreak. An Introduction – November 2012

Introductions are supposed go at the start of something. This is technically the start of something, it just happens that that something has been going on for a while. Also I am a contrarian so the introduction can go where ever I want it to.

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FUCKING COOLBRANDS! Yeah? – October 2012

The question must be asked: Why have they been doing this? Surely their time would have been better spent doing something a little more worthwhile? Deciding which brands are cool (and which aren’t) is fucking pointless. There appears to be no reason for doing this other than self-congratulatory back slapping. It is all so fucking moronic and Carl Barat is involved (yeah that’s right he used to be in the Libertines).

In case you care what is cool and what isn’t here is the list for 2012 (plus explanations of what everything is):

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Martyr Yourself Thin – July 2012

Many of you will know doubt have seen the posters on the tube and the press around the latest terrifying diet plan book Six Weeks to OMG: Get Skinnier than your Friends by a demented looking shit bastard called Venice A Fulton (which is a pseudonym – if people really knew who he was they’d want to kill him).

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A Game For the Whole Family – July 2012

So my trips on the tube have been brightened lately by the bill board ads for the Cultural Olympiad festival – each poster lists some of the cultural highlights that we can look forward to – these include the Scissor Sisters (obviously when I think of London, or more widely England and everything that we have to offer culturally the Scissor Sisters are the first thing that comes to mind) but the real highlights for me are a little further down the billing…

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Too Many Concepts – August 2012

Dear Restaurant Magazine,

Why is it that today a restaurant can no longer just be that, a restaurant?  The word restaurant within the industry press is now almost always followed with the word “concept”. What annoys me about this is, along with the ubiquity of its usage is the fact that it is incorrect.

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My Life in Book Form – August 2012

So the first part of my autobiography is to be called “Memoirs of a Tragic Masturbator” – we already know that. This afternoon I have decided on the second and final parts.

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I’d Love to Work at Yo! Sushi – August 2012

So this afternoon i have been looking through some YO! Sushi HR gumpf and i came across the “Awesome Social Media Job Alert”. I’d imagine you’re probably interested to know the kind of person they were looking for to fill this position of head of social media or some such nonsense? Yes, of course you are…in short they were looking for an aching dick end devoid of anything resembling a personality… (I’ve added a few annotations in brackets)

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Field Day – May 2012

Field Day in Victoria Park: Entertainment for the uninspired and insipid masses to buy their way out of boredom on a Saturday afternoon. A triumph of the bland and banal over the truly interesting.