Martyr Yourself Thin – July 2012
Many of you will know doubt have seen the posters on the tube and the press around the latest terrifying diet plan book Six Weeks to OMG: Get Skinnier than your Friends by a demented looking shit bastard called Venice A Fulton (which is a pseudonym – if people really knew who he was they’d want to kill him).
I have no doubt that this will probably sell by the truck load, it’s probably already in a 3 for 2 in Tesco along with 50 Shades, and “(ADD Z LISTER HERE): In My Words” autobiography.
We’ve had Shit Yourself Thin, Staple Yourself Thin and Amputate Yourself Thin – so the natural progression is surely The Bobby Sands Diet: Martyr Yourself Thin. A book I am going to give you a sneak peak at now…
What people generally lack these days is self-discipline and an interest in martyrdom – you need both of these if you’re going to be a successful dieter.
The OMG Diet has as its main incentive that you can be thinner than your friends – now I feel that you probably need more of an incentive than that – like politics or religion- so here goes:
1) Align yourself with a questionable political / religious cause
2) Go on a hunger strike
3) Refuse to eat until your demands are met – it goes without saying that you’re going to get a lot thinner if the cause you align yourself with is pretty fucking hopeless (think a Liberal Democrat premiership, becoming a gay bishop)
4) Now I’m no doctor but the great thing about not eating is that after a while your internal organs start to close down so that even if you wanted to eat again you probably couldn’t
5) After just a month you are going to see a real difference – Bobby Sands died after 66 days on hunger strike – which is a lot quicker than six fucking weeks – who wants to wait six weeks? That’s an eternity (which rather ironically is how long you will be dead for).
6) Now the great thing about this diet plan is that you will never have to see yourself in a photograph on Facebook and think “OMG, I look sooo fat!” again because you’ll no longer be with us
You might think this is all a bit much but if people are stupid enough to buy “OMG…” for £12.99 then I am going to make bare coin from this so you can all go and fuck off.