Something for the Weekend – The Best Dirty Weekends – December 2013

by everydayheartbreak

Really, the joy of a dirty weekend should not be in the destination, nor should it be the getting there. You shouldn’t need a guide book (unless it’s the Karma Sutra). No ruins, no National Trust properties, no Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty (unless you’re talking about your lover unclothed) should be on the agenda, though if you’re feeling brave you could try a little outdoor nookie, and travel should be kept to the very minimum. No the joy, should be the joy of sex (and lots of it).

At this time of year Britain is the perfect place for a little filthy getaway, it’s freezing which means that you’ll not want to be stepping outside too much – there’ll be no sun or swimming pools to tempt you away from the bedroom, and it’s small enough in that the majority of it, or at least the places you want to go to are never more than a few hours away. There’s no passports, no currency exchange, no faff over the language barrier (unless you go to Yorkshire) – which means there is more to time to be naughty.

So where to go? Well the British seaside is a good bet, all that kiss me quick, and cheap thrills stuff is rather intoxicating and the joy of going out of season is that they’ll be naff all to do and very few people. A quick blast along the seafront, a tipple in a local boozer – you’ll probably only stay for one as the locals that are around will intimidate you – and then it’s back to your hotel or B & B and you’re at it again. The nights draw in early so if you fancy going to bed at 4 in the afternoon and not leaving your room till breakfast – well, hell don’t let us stop you!

You don’t need to be worrying too much about packing as if all is going to plan for the most part you won’t be wearing much. All you need to do is look out of the window; whichever weather front is prevailing, well, you can safely assume it will be the same where you’re going. If you’re thinking of packing a few little treats to keep things spicy then we’d recommend a visit to Coco de Mer or Agent Provocateur who will be more than happy to cater for your needs.

Some Saucey Suggestions:

Kiss Me Quick – Southend on Sea   

Saaaffffend is undergoing a bit of a renaissance, but don’t let that put you off – we hear that it is currently only a few brave hipsters who have so far made the move. Full gentrification is still a good few years away, there are still plenty of arcades and slot machines, a very long and pointless pier, and out of season there really is very little to do, so it pretty much ticks all of the requisite dirty boxes!

[A] Posh Nosh – Whitstable

Food & sex is a fine pairing – though perhaps not together. If you and your partner are a little peckish after all that sexercise then Whitstable in Kent might be the place for you. It is packed with snug little restaurants and bistros and perhaps the most unlikely Michelin Star restaurant in the country in the shape of The Sportsman. It is also famous for that most English of aphrodisiacs, the oyster. Wheelers Oyster Bar, which is situated on the High Street, is world famous – and with only 12 tables it can be pretty intimate.

If you really don’t intend to leave your room…

For many years now the Suffolk tourist authority has rather hopefully tried to rebrand the stretch of coast, running south from Lowestoft as “The Sunrise Coast”. Lowestoft, bless it, has very little to recommend about it – it may well be Britain’s most easterly town, and thus sees the sun before the rest of us (by a nano second or so) – but being there you could be forgiven for feeling that the sun has truly set on this town – as we said though, if you don’t intend to leave your room this could be the perfect place for you – there really are no outside temptations!

If Lowestoft is a step too far then the towns of Southwold and Aldeburgh (both south of Lowestoft) are much more forgiving – Southwold is famous for the Adnams Brewery, which also operates a number of very nice cosy hotels in the town and Aldeburgh for its music and association with Benjamin Britten. Both are off the beaten track and wonderfully romantic, especially in the winter.

To be publsihed in the Geronimo Inns newspaper January 2014